The Only Thing That's Keeping Me Going
by Makoeh
Summary: Oneshot. Faith was the last thing keeping Michael going ... Now that it's gone, what will become of him ?


**Disclaimer :** As usual, we all know this is not our property, that we make no money on this, blah blah blah...

**Author's note :** Wow, last thing I ever thought I'd write one day, last of all in English, was an Angst/Drama fic :s ... If i told you this, in the very beginning, was to be a MiSa fluffy fic, would you believe me ? Lol ... Yet, it's true. So once again, English is not my native language, I do my best to make this as simple as possible to read for you '... I spent quite a lot of time working on my mistakes, and my (wonderful) Beta-R too (Thx Dolly ! ) ... but nobody's perfect.

I'd like to thank the people who took time to review on my first English story, In The Blink of An Eye, it did me a lot of good, and you were so nice it encouraged me to work hard on this one :) Thx a lot, and please, keep the reviews coming :) !

Thank you, sit back, enjoy, and lemme know what you think ! Have a nice time ;)

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It was the end. How long had he been hiding away from the rest of the world now? Has it been days, or weeks, or months? He couldn't tell. For how long had he been sitting on his own, in the dark, up against the dusty wooden wall of the hut ? He racked up his mind but he still couldn't remember... It was all so blurry... Whenever he tried to focuse on a memory, it slipped away in the dark, shady fog that seemed to have clouded up his mind since the day Lincoln died.

**§ § §**

His brother's blood all over him, drenching his clothes, pooling as a river all around his head ... that was the last tangible thought he could remember of. And it played again, and again, and again behind his closed eyelids, slowly driving him into impending madness. That memory ... he could feel it, so vivid, as if he was living the scene again. Kellerman's trap ... the gunshot ... Lincoln running to shield him ... his groan as the bullet hit him in the back ... his weight as he fell down in his arms ... the horrific smell of powder lingering in the air, melting with the heavy smell of blood... the sound of Kellerman's footsteps as he ran away, and Linc quivering in his arms, lying down on the floor. And there was the look in his brother's eyes, that terrible look Michael knew he would never get rid of, that look loaded up with love and regret, and a terrible acceptance of fate. The look of a man who simply knew he would never get back on his feet again, who was probably living his last minutes on Earth.

Michael held him close in his arms, not saying a word, simply not able to talk, but not needing it either. He had never communicated much with Linc his whole life long, neither of them being good at expressing their mutual feeling with words. Their actions had always spoken for themselves.

During all their life, Lincoln had always tried to be a caring big brother, doing his best to protect him from pretty much anything or anyone who might have hurted him, even when "his best" had been a bit clumsy. His stand against Kellerman's bullet was the last in date ... and this last sacrifice would cost him his life.

As his forces were diminishing, Lincoln grabbed his brother's tatooed forearm, yanking him down to him, and he spoke, his voice croaky and labored :

- I'm still able to see you Michael! Don't you dare feel guilty ... I know you would have done just the same for me.I'm not as good as you at pretty words, but I want you to know how proud of you I've always been ... even when I wasn't there to show you. In my whole life, nobody would have done half of what you did for me, so this is only fair ...

A tear rolled down Michael's face, resuming all the unvoiced words held up in the prison of his ribcage, as he caught his brother's slightly shaky hand in his and pressed it with all the remaining forces he could muster up, so that Linc could feel his presence up 'till the very last moment.

- This is not fair Linc ... None of this is fair.

Lincoln winced as he managed to swallow back his saliva. He could already taste the strong metallic taste of his own blood flooding his throat up to his mouth, due to the internal bleeding of the collapsed lung Kellerman's bullet had perforated. He knew he wouldn't last long ... he was bleeding to death.

- That's the way it is, Mike. Not many things are fair.

He could feel the grip of his little bro's hand getting weaker and shaky with emotion with each sob he refrained.

- Mike, don't do this ... I've lived my life, you know ... I loved, and I got married and became a father. Of course, had I been given the choice, I'd have prefered to die old and crimpled in my bed, but I guess it wasn't meant to end that way for me. If one of us must go, it's only fair it's me. My only regret is that I won't have the time to continue what I had just begun with LJ ... But he's a good boy, he'll manage it out without his old man around. Plus, you'll be here for him if he ever needs guidance.

Michael could no longer hold up the tears, and began to sob silently ... Not only had his brother to die, but it was from a long and painful death which was giving him the time to leave room to his grief ... His thought wandered to his nephew ... He could imagine just how deep his grief was bound to be. He himself knew all-too-well what it was like to be parted from one's father, and then finding him back only to lose him straight away... This was the kind of emptiness that could never be filled again, no matter how hard you tried.

When he spoke again, Lincoln's voice was, despite all the efforts he made, barely a whisper. Michael feared each word he managed to utter would be his last one ... the pool of thick, deep-red blood was crawling wider by the minute, his skin turning slowly grey and icy ... He hung onto each single world coming out of his mouth as an additional reprieve, as if he kept Lincoln talking then maybe there was a chance for him ...

- Listen, Mike... One last thing. I know I haven't always been the big bro you deserved ...

Michael's heart painfully squeezed in his chest at Lincoln's words. So was it what he was thinking ?

- Don't ever think about that Linc, you've been so great, in your own way ... I know you've always wanted only the best for me, and ...

Lincoln's hissing noise silenced him.

- Please, let me finish while I still can, Mike, there's no time for a fight right now ... I did not interfered with some aspects of your life when you needed me to, and I feared it was too late to correct that mistake ... but it was before I saw you around Sara.

Michael kept obediently silent.

- All your life, you've acted for everyone's good, helping out and not hesitating to put your own life at risk just to protect them when they needed protection ... Now it's about time you think about you. Stop the sacrifices Mike. It's your turn to be happy.

A sad smile sprung up on Michael's tear-strained face. Briefly closing his eyes, Lincoln tried to draw some much-needed breath from his already dead lungs. It was all a matter of minutes from now, he could tell ... He had already lost control of his lower body, paralized by the implacable cold that seized his limbs one by one.

He fought back the overwhelming need to let himself go to sleep to utter :

- Sara ... She's the one who can help you through this Mike. Please, don't fuck things up this time, don't let her go. The last thing I need to know before I die is that all I did wasn't worthless, that I managed to teach you something for once ... After all happened to us, all you did for me, I can't stand the idea of dying and leaving you, not knowing you're happy and safe. Promise me you'll go and find her, no matter how hard it may be. That's what you both need, but you're just too damn stubborn to admit it ...

His rising temper caused a fit of cough to shake his whole body tremendously, and he turned his head away from his brother's sight to spit the blood which had flown into his mouth.

He was doing his best to hide it, but still Michael could clearly see just how painful this torture was for Lincoln.

In a attempt to calm him down, he soothed

- I will, Linc. I promise I will .. Now please stay quiet, you need to spare your forces.

Lincoln managed to chuckle

- Spare my forces ! What the hell for, Mike ? If you failed to notice, I'm just about to die ... Please stop being your usual annoyingly bugging little bro ! You're way too grown-up for that ...

Michael chuckled back through his tears... It has always been Lincoln the bugging one, they both knew it. Bugging Michael to come and play soccer with him, bugging him to play with his toy soldiers, bugging him to climb on top of the tallest tree in the park, bugging him to race him, knowing he would systematically win ... while all Michael wanted to do was retreat back to his books and his beloved chemist set.

He smiled at the memory, and seeing his smile reflecting on Lincoln's lips, he could tell he was thinking just the same... And that's how he wanted him to feel. The last feeling he wanted him to have was one of a good memory they shared, the last look he wanted to see on his face was one of peaceful happiness.

Gathering Lincoln's inert body into his arms, trying to ignore how sticky his brother's already half-dried blood felt on his hands, Michael's rational side could not help but thought his brother's torture was getting anormaly long ... Linc was a strong man, but seeing his relatively efficient state of awakening, Michael calculated that there would be quite a time before he died of his injuries ...

Feeling just how insufferable the pain was becoming for Lincoln, Michael knew.

He knew he had only one thing to do to relieve him: quicken things up.

The idea itself was making him sick, but he knew it would be the ultimate proof of brotherly love he would have to give. He would let him spend the upcoming fifteen-or-so minutes watching his only brother drowning slowly into madness, then inconscience, due to the unbearable pain that would take over him. Lincoln would still be alive, but unable to do anything : nor speak, nor cry, nor see ... All he would be able to do was feel. Feel the pain, suffer, and wishing it was all over for good.

Michael drew his brother to him, trying his best to raise him in a sitting position, his back resting upon his chest. In this new position, Lincoln could not see Michael's face and it was better this way, since he could no longer hide the pain and sadness washing over him. He knew his disgust and worry at what he was about to do would show in his eyes, and he didn't want Lincc to know.

Michael's hand upon his chest could barely feel the fainteste heartbeat by now. Lincoln was no longer speaking : was it because he didn't want to, or because he could not ? The constant hissing noise escaping from his lips was the only sound breaking the silence.

- I love you Linc ...

He didn't hear any answer...

Closing his arms over his brother's chest, his head resting upon his shoulder, Michael remembered this movie they had seen when they were younger... before Linc's sentence, before the plans and the prison. It was the story of two farm boys, close enough to be brothers, travelling together from one work to the another ... One was mentally deficient, and the other has sworn to always protect him, even if he constantly ran into troubles, but they needed each other just the same... Up to the day the mentally deficient boy got on the run for a crime he accidentaly commited, chased by all the farmers of he ranch who wanted him dead. The other boy found him first, and told him to look away at the beautiful scenery before shooting him,not because he thought he deserved to die, but only to offer him a peaceful death instead of the torture he would have gone through if the farmers had found him first.

Linc had told him that day, once the film had ended and once he has hastily wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, that this was the most beautiful movie he would ever see, and that it was how two brothers should always be, ready to do everything for each other.

Today, his words were taking all their meaning. He shifted a bit into his embrace, pulling him closer to him for the last time. His tears were running down his closed eyes onto his brother's skin as he held him as tight as he could. He knew what he had to do next, and he reluctantly parted from him, just enough to gain access to his neck. Concentrating upon it, he mentally visualized just how he had to twist it without Lincoln feeling it.

His first hand left his brother's torso, moving to his back, and his second hand was about to follow when Michael finally noticed the uncanning silence. There was no more hissing sound. He pulled his hand flat upon his brother's back ... no quivering. Not a single shiver. He moved his remaining hand upon his chest above Lincoln's heart, in order to get the answer to a question he already knew... no more heartbeat, not the faintest. No breath.

Dreading what he was about to discover, Michael let go of his brother, lying him down back on the floor ...

His eyes were closed , his expression calm and relaxed. But the first thing that struck Michael was the tender smile fixed upon his brother's lips. This was a real, loving smile, that would last forever.

For Lincoln was dead.

**§ § §**

This last smile of his brother was the last thing Michael could remember properly. After that, everything was a blur, blinded by the heavy curtain of sorrow... And now, there he was, hidden in his hut, in the middle of the woods, lost in his own sadness and pain. He knew he shouldn't be here, that it was not safe for him to stay that long in the same place unless he wanted to be caught ... But he wasn't even sure he still cared. He was tired of hiding, tired of running away, of planning schemes of escape, of fighting for his life. What the hell for, if in the end things were not better ? Dying now, or 3 months from now, what was the importance if life threatened to get him in the end, just like she had got Lincoln ?

His mind was exhausted. He was about to give away to the appealing force that talked him into lying down on the floor, closing his eyes and never open them again. Who would miss him, actually ? He had no family anymore, no friends, no hope whatsoever.

He was all alone now, and nothing, absolutely nothing in his entire life had scared him as much as that single thought. He didn't have the strenght for battle now. Faith, the only string of hope which had always kept him sane for these last years, faith had just dumped him.

Without faith, and without Linc, there was just no way he could go on anymore ... He laid down on the floor and curled up into the tiniest ball he could.

Nothingness. That was the last thought that escaped his mind as he closed his eyes and waited...waited for all of this to end.


End file.
